


I'll Be Okay

by Predec2



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gap Filler, M/M, Romance, Tissue Warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 16:02:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16390820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Predec2/pseuds/Predec2
Summary: Brian and Justin spend their last night together before Justin heads for New York. What were their thoughts during that time?  Ep. 513 Gap Filler.





	I'll Be Okay

 

One-shot with some angst but also a hopeful note. Hope you enjoy it.

* * *

DISCLAIMER:  QAF and its characters are the sole property of Showtime and Cowlip Productions. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

_Justin's POV - 7:00 a.m._

 

I didn't sleep much last night; perhaps an hour or so.  My mind was too busy thinking about what the morning would bring as I lay enveloped in the warmth of Brian's body draped on top of mine, inhaling the familiar scent of his cologne and the aftereffects of our marathon lovemaking.  Normally after we had sex, he would pull out of me, discard the condom, clean us off, and then turn to lie on his back next to me; sometimes he would reach to clasp my hand in his, or - on rare occasions - he would turn and pull me into his arms, my head resting on his chest as we cocooned together. 

 

On this night, however - our last night together - we had made love on the couch and on the bed until we were both exhausted and emotionally spent.  I had tried to smile at him as his eyes had bored into mine; to reassure him that this was only temporary.  But while my smile was genuine, my heart still ached inside with the knowledge that I was about to leave the man I loved more than life itself.  And his hazel eyes - shining back at me with unshed tears - had belied the smile that I had received in return. There had been a look in Brian's eyes last night, as if he were trying to memorize every line on my face, every crease, every angle; as if he might never see me again. 

 

Lightly, I ran my hands down his back, feeling the strength beneath me and the regular fall and rise of his breath against my stomach.  Normally, Brian's weight would eventually necessitate him having to move; last night, however, I had held him tight in my grip, silently telling him, _begging_ him, to stay where he was. And he had understood.  When I had awakened a few minutes ago, he was still where he had fallen asleep, his body covering mine and his head lodged in the crook of my neck, the feeling of his soft breathing washing over my skin and comforting me.  How I hated to move.  But I knew I had to be at the airport within two hours, and if I didn't start getting ready, I would miss my flight. 

 

So with a sigh, I began to untangle myself from Brian's embrace, slowly moving inch-by-inch in an effort not to wake him. But it was to no avail; after a few minutes of struggling to remove myself, I felt him stirring as he turned to roll off me, his eyes fluttering open, sleepy and heavy from our lack of sleep. 

 

I reached over to brush some hair from his eyes as I softly murmured, "It's early; go back to sleep."  I lightly caressed his stubbled face with the back of my hand, staring at him just like he had done to me earlier.  I knew I could never forget what Brian felt or looked like; it would be stamped in my mind for all eternity.  Still, the thought of not seeing him in person filled me with doubt about what I was doing, and whether it was the right decision. 

 

As if he were reading my mind, I saw him shake his head slightly as he whispered back, "Don't.  Don't question your decision.  It'll be okay.  _We'll_ be okay."  He reached up to take my hand to brush his lips across my knuckles and gripped it in a firm grasp briefly before he let it go.  "Go get ready.  And call me when you get there; no text," he added, as he explained, "I want to hear your voice, not something in writing."

 

"I could draw a picture of the gate where I land," I offered in jest, receiving a small smile in return.  I grinned back at him.  "Okay, no text and no drawing.  I'll call you." 

 

He nodded before lying flat on his back.  "Go take your shower." 

 

"Without you?" I couldn't help asking.  I was hoping for old time's sake that we would enjoy one more together, but he shook his head. 

 

"No...if we do, I won't let you go," he hoarsely admitted.  "It's...it's better this way."  I saw him visibly swallow then, knowing he was feeling the same way as I.  But I _also_ knew our love was deep enough and strong enough to withstand anything.  "It'll be okay, Sunshine," he told me with a weak smile.  _We'll_ be okay." 

 

He cocked his head toward the bathroom in a silent command for me to do as he said as I slowly and reluctantly rose from my place by his side, standing there for a few moments to gaze over at this magnificent, loving man; this man who showed his love rather than openly declaring it.  A man who was understood by so few, and yet had such an impact on so many.  I nodded slightly at him as I grabbed some underwear from the dresser drawer and walked into the bathroom to shower.  As I did, all sorts of thoughts rushed through me.  So many memories; some bittersweet and downright sad, but for the most part fun and eventful memories of everything we had experienced over the past several years.  All the times that Brian had been there for me, watching over me, protecting me, loving me.  But I knew now that I was strong enough to handle this on my own, even as I realized I would miss him terribly until I could return.  And I WOULD return; Brian might have doubts about that - thinking I would arrive in New York City and never look back - but I knew in my heart that would never happen.  Because I had something - _someone_ \- waiting when I returned; someone worth looking back over my shoulder for. 

 

I walked back into the bedroom a few minutes later, rubbing my hair with a towel, observing Brian watching my every step.  Reaching for the clothes I had laid out last night, I carefully slipped on my socks, pants, and shirt before pushing my feet into a comfortable pair of loafers.  I saw no need to wear anything fancy for my flight; after all, this was who I am.  Who I would _always_ be.  Knowing everything else was prepared, packed, and ready for my departure, I walked over to the bed on Brian's side and knelt down on the mattress as he lifted his torso off the bed, our lips coming together for one, final kiss.  _No_ , I decided, _not ‘final.'_  Temporary.  Temporary, because I would be kissing him again and again and again.  This was not goodbye; it was merely another chapter in our lives.  Our lips glided across each other's in a familiar pattern, our mouths parting instinctively to deepen the kiss.  I felt his hand grip the back of my head as he angled his lips to seal them more tightly over mine, until at last he drew back to separate us. He stared at me for a few seconds before he croaked out, "Later," his eyes glistening just like before. 

 

I felt mine doing the same as I whispered back, "Later."  He nodded and lay back on the mattress as I slowly rose to my feet, not daring to look back for fear I wouldn't follow through with my plans.  Stepping down into the open loft area, I passed the coffee table and saw it:  the velvet box that held the rings we would have worn at our wedding.  Why had Brian - someone who scoffed at tradition and heterosexual rituals - keep rings representing marriage and a lifelong commitment?  Whatever the reason, I couldn't resist the urge to walk closer and pick the box up to pry open the top and cast an admiring gaze at the gleaming pieces of platinum nestled inside.  Pulling out the smaller of the two, I rolled it between my fingers and then frowned when I realized there was an inscription inside.  Could that be the reason why he hadn't returned them, because they were unique?  Holding it up above toward the dawn's light to get a better view, I was able to read what it said:  _When we met, time stopped for me._

The tears now pouring freely down my face, I held the metal in the palm of my hand before I held out my left ring finger and slid it on, my heart skipping a beat as I adjusted to the cold feel of it against my skin.  Holding my hand out to admire it, I took a deep breath and picked up my duffel bag, art supplies, and jacket.  I stood there for a moment before I dropped them with a soft thud on the floor, not able to resist one, last look at my lover, my partner.  Walking over to the bedroom steps, I noticed Brian must have fallen asleep again; this time much in the same pose as before.  Only this time as he lay on his stomach, he was sleeping on my pillow instead of his.  Swallowing the lump in my throat, I photographed him in my mind before turning and finally picking everything back up to head to the door.  With a deep, ragged breath, I tugged on the heavy metal and swung it open, ready to greet a new world.  As I closed the elevator door behind me a few moments later and felt it start to descend, I looked down at the ring and whispered, "Yeah. It'll be okay." 

 

* * *

_Brian's POV_

Two hours after Justin left, I finally awakened to a new reality.  A new me.  A new world, one that did not involve the man who had pierced my heart and made it bleed with love.  The feisty, persistent, and courageous young man who had engendered feelings in me that I didn't even know I had. As I rose to my feet, I brushed my hand across my face and just stood there, not knowing what to do, and listening for something, _anything_ , to indicate he was still here. But I knew he wasn't; I knew he was gone.  For how long, I didn't know.  Justin had insisted we say our goodbyes here, and we had, both physically and verbally.  I was both sad and happy that I had been awake when he had gathered up his things and knelt on the bed to kiss me.  Happy that I had had one, last ‘later' whispered from his lips, but sad that it could be some time before I heard him speak in person again.

 

Did I have every intention of staying in touch with Justin, and continuing our relationship, albeit a long-distance one?  Yes.  Hell, yes.  Did I know if we would be successful?  No. But I DID know that I loved him deeply, and I would fight for him; for us.  No one could know what lies ahead.  And I wasn't naïve enough to think that love alone - no matter HOW strong - would necessarily keep us together.  But fuck if I wouldn't try. And I knew that Justin would, too.  That was all we could do; all _anyone_ could do.  Something told me that despite the odds, somehow our love would survive. 

 

As if on autopilot, I turned and headed into the bathroom to relieve myself, shower, and shave, retrieving a pair of worn, comfortable jeans from the dresser drawer and slipping them on.  I had told Cynthia I would be working from home today, not sure if that was a wise decision, though, since everywhere I looked there were signs of Justin. Paintings he had done.  Junk food that he loved in the cabinets and in the fridge.  His favorite mug - a swirled, impressionist design on it - lying upside down in the sink rack after being washed.  Sighing, I scratched the side of my neck as I walked toward the kitchen, intending to make a pot of coffee, when I looked down and saw it.  The box with our wedding rings in it.  The rings that for some inexplicable reason, I hadn't had the heart to return.  I knew that even if I _hadn't_ had them inscribed, I still wouldn't have been able to return them. I'm not sure what that meant.  Or even why I felt that way.  I just knew that I couldn't bear to part with them.  I frowned, noticing that the box wasn't where Justin had left it earlier.  It was now on the kitchen counter.  Walking over to it, with trembling hands I held the box in one hand as I lifted the lid to peer inside.  My heart swelled when I noticed the smaller one missing.  Through the sting of unshed tears, I pulled the remaining band from the box, and - after a slight hesitation - I slid the platinum jewelry onto my left ring finger.  It fit perfectly, its smooth surface gliding easily over my skin until it was snugly in place.  I held it up to admire how it shown in the rising sunlight streaming in through the window and smiled.  "Yeah, Sunshine.  We're going to be okay." 

 


End file.
